Inside me…. :)

Just a thought:

“If the HEART is the only broken thing that still works, then LOVE is the feeling a person can’t live without.”

It sounds like odd to me coz I used to deny love in my life. But now I have no idea what comes into me that I’ve thought of that quote. My life has been full of struggles and pain that made me become bitter and cautious, insensitive and impatient. I have promised myself not to let somebody hurt me, that’s why I’m not giving a single chance in any form of love that will attempt to knock in my wary heart. I used to laugh at my friends when they come and cry because of those stupid guys they have love. I just don’t understand why despite of all the protest, infidelity and all those things that have caused their heartaches they still end up being with the guy. Well call me naïve but maybe it’s because I don’t feel the way they do.

Not until I’ve discovered myself in a situation almost as the same of my friends before. I used to believe no one can ever make me feel so damn stupid and caused me so much heartache. Again, there’s something I don’t fully understand. Why do I have to feel that way? Now I realized what could be my friends feel when I just shrugged off and laugh and sometimes even scold them when they whine about the man they love.

I’ve known for a fact that love is the most powerful feelings in the world, and that’s exactly the very reason why I avoided it too much because I know it could break if not make a person. But love has a way of overcoming a person that comes unexpectedly. You can’t say that; “Wait love, I’m still not ready for you.” Love could lead you into stupidity that you’ve never imagine you can become. All things are possible with love, that’s why we are here in the world because GOD loves us so much.

So maybe I should be less paranoid with everything that’s happening in the world. I should think that taking risk sometimes results succession. I will avoid thinking that love is an enemy rather it’s a feeling that I should nourish in my heart for without love, I am nothing and everything I do for my family are useless if I don’t recognize love in my heart. It’s time to live with a better heart and not bitter.

Its funny how someone promise forever without realizing that nothing in the world is certain…

It’s funny how we find many friends during parties, but found no one during our down moment…

It’s funny how people get too possessive of something or someone they don’t even own…

It’s funny how people still can manage to laugh, after a painful heartbreak…

It’s funny how someone could be good on taking care of others, while that person also needs someone to take care of them…

It’s funny how people knew what is right, but keep on doing what is wrong…

It’s funny that we knew we could hurt someone in the first place, but still do it and just say sorry afterwards…

It’s funny that sometimes the reason of people’s happiness is by doing the wrong thing…

It’s funny how people claim that they’re in love, but doesn’t know the true meaning of it…

It’s funny how we ask for too much, but doesn’t work hard to achieve it…

It’s funny how we blame God for our hardships, but forgets to thank him for all the good things… (Because we only think of ourselves)

Its funny how someone that’s so clever could be dumb and seems blind when in love…

It’s funny how someone who almost has everything in life would still long for more and not happy… (Why can’t we be contented?)

It’s funny that just when we’re ready to start a new beginning, something will get in the way to pull us back…

It’s funny that no matter how we try to please everyone, there’s still someone who’ll be bitter and hate us for the reason we don’t understand… (So as the saying goes…J)

It’s funny how our words can lift up someone, but hard to tell it to ourselves…

It’s funny how beautiful memories played over and over again in our mind and make us cry because we’re wishing that it could happen again.

It’s funny that sometimes we have to make a painful decision for the good of everyone and for the better… (Sacrificing is the key for a complete happiness)

It’s funny that sometimes we have to lie because we don’t want to hurt someone, but we don’t realize that it’s more painful when they found out the truth… (Honesty is still the best policy people)

It’s funny how people adore someone for all his good deeds but condemn him for just a single mistake…

It’s funny how we barely notice someone who loves us, but miss that person when they’re gone…

It’s funny that we keep on searching for the meaning of life, for happiness… for answers.  What we don’t realize is that happiness depends upon us.  We’re missing the fun of our life’s journey because we always question everything, when all the answers are just there… on how we survive and learned from all the trials that God has given us… on how we rightfully live our God given gift… Our Life…

It’s funny why I’m writing all about these…knowing that everyone knows about all these things already…LOL!  But I guess not everybody seems to remember everything all the time… (Hope I’m right)

Have you ever felt like you’re floating in the air? Like you felt like there’s nowhere to go and you think about so many things endlessly that you would only feel so frustrated in the end because you end up thinking all the worst.  That’s what happened to me a month ago…been shocked with the sudden turned of events in my life.  So, what I’m afraid of already happened…so suddenly…so fast!  I know I should have been prepared for it coz I saw it’s really coming. But I guess when you hold things back because you’ve been so attached to it, no matter how prepared you are…you will still feel frustrated and sad when it’s really time to let go. So I guess there is really no preparing for letting go of things because emotions can be unpredictable most of the time…when it flows, it flows!  It’s just a matter of how we accept things…and for me, I just thought about it that maybe, it’s really time for a CHANGE! 

One morning, I woke up not hurrying for work anymore and there’s no report that I have to do and email afterwards.  Suddenly, my eyes were opened in the real world….I say real world because cyberspace for me is a world where all the lies could be made and everybody could pretend.  I was actually just got back to where I came from nine years ago…Yes; I’ve work in the café for nine years…2 years with the first one and 7 years with the last.  Wow!  I can’t imagine my world revolves in the cyberspace that long…and like anybody else, I have my share of being fooled…been in love (well maybe I just thought I was! Lol)  and cried for multiple reasons.  Well if there’s one thing I should be thankful for is that, I’ve gained many friends through chatting even though I thought that I couldn’t find any true people here.  I know I was wrong for thinking that way because I have found pure friendships with them and shared some most memorable events in my life.  I couldn’t even believe friendship could be made even with people who are miles apart from each other.  Well one thing I have realized, with true people…distance makes no matter if the words are true and the emotions are true.  There’s no difference, it’s just “the distance”…J  For now, I am saying goodbye to the cyber world but not with my cyber friends…well I can see some of them if I misses them. Lol!  And I can text those who are miles away…haha! 

So right now, I couldn’t say that things are really okay with me because honestly, it is still not.  I am still floating in the air….no idea where I could be and what should I be doing next.  But probably I should be optimistic this time…that things are changing and going for the better!  I am not quite ready for a new phase but I should positively look forward to it.  New Year, new phase….new beginning…new life!  Happy new year everybody!

It’s been a while since my last blog, I’ve been pre occupied thinking about recent events in my life. I know I could have all the more reason to write since I am in my depressing moment again but laziness attacks me…lol! I am actually losing all my energy when I feel down or disappointed.  Okay, aside from some issues at home which I think I have no control anymore and that makes me feel upset, lately I’ve been worrying about losing my job because I can see it’s really coming.  Major problems are getting on the way and I think this will really be our last year here.  But I’m still hoping that something will happen, that all what I’m worrying for is wrong.  God, I really love my job and I spent almost half of my life here.  So it will really break my heart seeing its closure…L But then if all my fears are true, I should get myself ready for the changes…anyway life has full of changes all the time.  It’s just that it’s so hard to leave things you have learned to love and became a part of your everyday life.  Leaving things behind that you got used on doing all your life is like being born again…you doesn’t know what to do next and you feel uncertain with things.  It’s like starting all over again and it isn’t easy.  But all along I know I would get used to it just like how I got used on how life been playful with me.  Life was never been fair!  Oh yes!  I’m bitter.

Speaking of unfairness, a close friend of mine pushed me away because of some stupid misunderstanding.   It’s actually just a normal argument that leads to deepest issues and causes saying all the harsh words towards each other.  So now I’d like to ask myself, “Am I a bad friend”?  Was I really gone wrong because I cared so much and tried to protect my friend from being hurt?  Is it wrong to tell your friend the truth even if you know it will hurt her but thinking it will going to wake her up in the process?  Is it wrong to give a friend some nudge if you see that what she’s doing just add up with her burdens and just hurt her all the more?  Well then maybe I was wrong in some ways, but I never wanted to hurt her.

Some people might still don’t know that I really value friendship so much.  I am willing to die for a friend if she’s really worthy just like how I cared for my family.  This is the reason why it takes me some time to get close to someone because I have this fear and have all the questions in my mind on why this person is getting close to me?  I don’t trust someone so easily that I let them be a part of my life without doubting their purpose.  When someone new talk to me and begin to share their personal life to me, I begin to wonder why they’re telling me all those things when we only just met.  I know its bad being suspicious with other’s purpose on getting close to someone but I am just being careful and the fact that I don’t think I am good enough to be trusted.  I don’t have that so much confidence I must admit….and that friend of mine just made me feel so unworthy for pushing me away.  Again, someone close to me made me feel like a trash, just dispose me because I am not needed anymore.  Told me not to care anymore just like that because she doesn’t want me to get involve with her dramas in life.  Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair?  If you don’t want someone to care and worry for you, you shouldn’t have befriend that person in the first place.  You must have isolated yourself from people if that’s what you want.  Being close to someone and being a friend doesn’t happen overnight.  Much more pushing them out of your life is not that easy.  It’s not like just like eating your favorite cake and gives it away when you’re fed up.

But then again, I just have to think that things like these are bound to happen. This is not the first time that someone made me feels unwanted. I really should have got used to it.  But still it hurts me so much and made me feel so low.  Well I should just think that it’s not the end of the world.  Life goes on and I know that I’ll be meeting more people like that friend of mine.  I’ll meet new people, gain more friends and get hurt still.  It’s the cycle of life.

Finally I have awaken

That long dream I had mistaken

Someone was there for me from nowhere

Promise a love that seems forever.

Finally I have awaken

I’ve dream too much I was fascinated

Someone made me believe made me fall

Fallen too deep yet the chance was small.

Finally I have awaken

Made me believe then I was forsaken

I have been fooled just been a toy

My heart is in pain fully destroyed.

Finally my eyes have opened

That dream seems so real it was deceiving

Perhaps I’ve found the one that worth loving

Such an innocent fool I’ve come believing.

Finally my long dream was over

Surely will take me so long to recover

Indeed not a wonderful dream but a nightmare

Drives me insane and put my heart to a vast scare.

By: stressmind

“SLEEP…for others: A form of rest, a routine, refreshment, a quiet moment for the mind and body, or perhaps a hobby.  But Psychology tells us that: It is one of the most common forms of ESCAPE…from loneliness, sadness, frustrations, rejections and from almost any problem possible.  So next time when a friend frequently sleeps, Say: “if you need someone to talk to, I’m just here. I’ll listen.” Rather than saying: “sweet dreams”.

There are times that I wish I could sleep more…or wishing that when I fall asleep, I won’t be able to wake up again.  I know it’s a bad thinking but sometimes I do really wish I could sleep forever so that I won’t be able to think again.  I’m tired of thinking because I don’t know what to think anymore.  I am afraid that I will come to a point of losing my sanity because of thinking too much…I guess I rather die than going crazy.  I just want to sleep and not to feel anything anymore.  I don’t want to feel the emptiness that covers my whole being.  How could I understand other people’s pain when I don’t even understand my own?  Why do I care so much of their feelings while it’s alright for me to feel hurt most of the time?  How could I listen to someone so subtly and give advice while I couldn’t even give myself a single answer to all my questions?  Ah! Life’s irony, I’m even not sure if I will ever understand all of it. 

I just want to sleep forever…I want to escape from everything.  I want to have a break.  I want to take a rest from this mind boggling life.  I don’t want to feel the pain of this hollowness in my heart anymore.  How I really wish that life could just be a wonderful dream…

Buhay ko ay kay gulo di ko alam kung bakit ganito

O baka naman akala ko lang ay kumplikado?

Magulo nga ba itong buhay ko

O ang lahat lamang ay nasa isip ko?

Bakit nga ba mahirap intindihin nitong buhay

Kailangan nga ba palaging merong gabay?

Sa isang sandali ay masaya humahagalpak sa katatawa

Ngunit sa kabila noon may nagbabadyang luha sa mga mata.

Kailan kaya mababago ang takbo sawa na’ko sa ganito

Bakit puro sakit at hirap sa puso ang nararanasan ko?

Nakakapagod magpatakbo ng buhay kong ito

Ano kaya kung sa ibang direksiyon ay maglakad naman ako?

Sadyang napakahiwaga nitong ating buhay

Gusto ko na lamang matulog at managinip habambuhay.

Nawa’y gabayan ako ng ating maykapal

Katinua’y manatili at labanan anumang sagabal.

By: stressmind

(mind work of a sleepy person..:)

You’re just a toy

Expect to be dump.

You’re just like dirt

Expect to be avoided.

You’re just a shock absorber

Expect to be left behind.

You don’t mean anything

Expect the worst thing.

You’re not loved at all

It’s your fault if you fall.

By: stressmind

Days passed without the glimpse of you

Wondering how you’ve been or do I missed you

I don’t exactly know what I’m feeling

Sometimes thinking the absence could be helping.

Am I still longing or just still dreaming

The insanity that could be forbidding

Trying to drain my thoughts of your existence

Wanted to let go off the feeling that so intense.

I should never love you this way

Though my heart could not paved away

I still can’t believe it could happened

But the pain is real and will take time to mend.

“One a cheater, always a cheater!” Do you believe in this? Well this was the subject of our discussion when I was out the other night with my friends.  That was fun and healthy argument regarding a man’s infidelity.  I find it amusing talking about it with guys around.  Of course it is expected that they will defend themselves.  But why does a man cheat?  Who’s really at fault?  Who’s to be blame when a man looks for another woman even if they’re already married or have a girlfriend?

I guess there is no man who admits their mistakes without making excuses…and worst, sometimes it is the woman they’re blaming why they cheat! Its bullshit really! That makes a man really stupid!  Why would they put the blame to women when it’s them who made a mistake?  There are so many alibis they will make just to justify their foolishness.  They will say that women nag all the time.  Well I guess a woman won’t nag if there’s no reason to nag for…another issue is lack of time.  But who’s out of the house most of the time anyway?  Isn’t it the man?  Well there are women, who works but the couple can make proper arrangement with that and besides, sometimes the reason why women work is because some men can’t provide well to the family.  Another reason that men cheat and I think is the most stupid is this: “They are men and it is just natural for them to look for another woman.” This is really unfair!  This reason should be erased! 

Men and women are born equal and I guess it should be apply in everything.  But I’m not saying that it’s also okay if a woman will cheat too…of course it should not be.  The point here is:  “One person should not look for another or should not have another relationship if they’re already committed to someone.”  They should consider “commitment” as a sacred thing.  I think most men don’t value that word and most of them don’t know what “true love” means. Men are insensitive and only think of themselves most of the time.  They only want to satisfy themselves and lust is always the first thing in their mind instead of love.  They only see women as their toy and slave that they can just dump anytime they want.  Well I guess if they are not satisfied with their partners anymore…at least have a heart to tell them so that they won’t look like a fool that still believing that they’re being love when the fact is they’re already being cheated!  That’s so sad…

First and for all, if you truly love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt that person.  You only think of giving all the best for that person.  You always want to make that person happy…willing to sacrifice everything.  You do everything…you are being sensitive in everything that concerns that person.  That’s what true love is…and I guess “men” are too dumb and cruel to realize that!